Behind the Mask

Even though I know our unspoken deal, i feel inadequate and my confidence takes a hit. I always lose sight of the benefits and focus on the negatives. I start to question myself and my thoughts. I think the reason we are in this situation is because I am convenient and easy for you to manipulate. I start to think that I am not good enough and undateable and unattractive. I wonder if you lie to me about my looks just to get me to help you out. Sometimes i wonder wtf am i doing. I dont believe in myself and my confidence lowers. The things i think about myself when people arent around make me cringe. I have a weakness and i doubt i could stop even if i wanted to. Even when I thought I was going against my code, i still continued. What is wrong with me? Sometimes change is good. I wonder about my appearance and think about changing myself to fit in - not in healthy ways. I dont want to hurt myself, but I continue to do so anyway. I dont know if i am strong enough to stop myself.

I wonder when your eyes wander elsewhere, is it because of my weight, personality, looks. I start to list my faults and try to pick the one that makes you not want me. I found out one of your fundamental rules of dating the other day and came to realization that you would never date me. It was like a slap to the face. Even if you told me you liked me now, i would always question an ulterior motive. I never make a blip on your radar unless you want something. Makes me question myself and want to change for someone that isnt me. I use my one attractive feature, the one with the most compliments from the opposite sex as my plus, but is it really when i think it’s my only attractive feature. I have a problem and i think it could develop into something worse. I could end up hurting myself and justify it as right. Why do you make me feel this way? Is it my fault you dont want me? Is it something I did? Or is it you? Are you just using me to your advantage? I question our whole friendship and your character and mine. What is wrong with me? I am thinking of drastic measures. I think I will need help, but I know I will never ask for it.

I cant tell this to anyone. I just continue acting like my normal weird self, making sure i look alright to the outside world, but everything is not okay. I need someone. I am screaming on the inside, but no one sees it. No one ever sees it. I try to be strong and put my mask and wall up and no one sees through or tries to break it down. Why cant anyone see inside? I know i have faults and i always focus on them, never on my good qualities. Why do I do that to myself? Why is it like that for me? I look to the future and all i see is black. I have no hope that I will find what I need or succeed. Will I reach anything I want or will it always remain out of reach? Will I end up fucking up like everyone else? Will I meet my match? I thought I had met someone special, but it turns out not. Now we have a convenient relationship without any feelings and we are just friends, but are we really friends at all. I wonder if you even like me as a person or if you are just using me cause i am available. These thoughts kill me on the inside.

I wonder if I can even experience love or is it out of my reach. This depresses me and I think it will only get worse before it gets better, if it ever does. I am always surrounded by people who are better than me and my confidence never can stand on its own. It only takes hits, hit after hit. I wonder when too many hits will come, when enough is enough. I never spill anything like this and it is a change. People may read this and think what a stupid little insecure girl, but these are my thoughts and fears. What will become of me? Will i end up withering away? Or will i come out strong? I doubt I will be strong. I think I will break before I find anything I want and actually get it. I think I will always want something and never have it. People want me for something and i always doubt it is actually for me. Why do I continue to think these thoughts and try to ruin myself? I ask myself this question and hope for the answer i will never get.

I have an essay due tomorrow.
It is my last essay for the semester, due on the last day of classes in the semester.
I procrastinated and now i am trying to work on it.
Obviously that is going so well…
I have done 3 essays for this class and pulled all nighters the night before they were do to start and complete them.
I hope this is not the case tonight, because I am not feeling too hot.
I am congested and tired. I just wanna sleep.
I hate No Impact Man and want it to be burned so I don’t have to write this essay.
Ohhhh well, better get on it. ):

oneperkylittlebookworm:

This book is not very good. he complains about society’s environmental impact, but doesn’t actually work to change it. Besides this has been done before multiple different times and ways and they have been better. If he is so concerned about the environment why does he have a dog in NYC… i mean seriously.

6 page paper…. gotta at least start

Let’s get down to business.

thepurplejunkie:

soon… i hope

whatnothing123:

Everyone Else:

Me:

i wish still

blessedtobeme:

What I should be doing…..

What I’m doing…….

intoasylum:

Everyone has gone to Narnia or some shit and I’m still stuck here reblogging at 4am.